February 26, 2008

Searching for Nothing

In the past I’ve been compelled to search. Not the Google or Yahoo search, but to search inwards and outwards. I’ve been searching and searching—for nothing.

It’s been here and will always be here. Recently I think I’ve been most content; but not complacent. I have been most active in pursuing my dreams and have found a person whom loves me with all of my crazy antics and multi-personalities; which is why I asked her to marry me. My fiancée dropped her job to move to Beijing, China with me to share my vision in a start-up company; we now spend literally 24 hours 7 days a week together. Normally, this would cause havoc with most couples, but we learned a lot and found each other all over again and has made us strong throughout this venture living abroad.

For a long time I felt like Tom Hanks in the movie “Castaway”, I was lost and now I am found. I found the rebirth of my expression in the forms of writing and creating a piece of me that cannot be duplicated, neither forced nor exaggerated. What I put forth, is me in the raw form-- priceless.

Have any of you experienced the feeling of out-of-body disconnectedness? I felt alone in the past, I could barely relate with most family and friends. I hit rock bottom and felt like the world would expel me at any moment. I wrote with therapeutic verses to ease the pain, but it would not subside, this is where my writings began to have an alter ego voice longing for something more. As a sensitive, I found it hard to digest the hurt and wrongs of the world; hence I lived in a ideological world that was unified and connected; lo and behold the 1verse concept. The search was exhaustive to the mind and soul. My search was reaching out to others; yet in our world we pass without a hello or goodbye. My antennae were feeling out for any vibration or echo that life was responsive to my requests, but I received nothing. The duration was long and painstaking, but what I’ve gained was new light and has allowed me to view the world in a broad spectrum and given me hope.

I write this entry as a testimonial for all that feel a disconnection and have been on a search quest. I write this for those whose brilliance outshine mediocrity, those who divert their energy inwards like a collapsing star, to the point of darkness, for those that do not understand that this feeling is the experience that beckons the knowledge life offers. I say embrace it.